20 February 2017


O.K., folks. Listen. I think we need to have a little talk. Not one of those productive face-to-face-type talks; more like the kind of talk where I write an incredibly demeaning letter that explains my own particular point of view, and then I ignore your totally valid response. That kind of talk. The reason being, I’m not all that great with criticism. (Note: The Congress is still like thigh deep, pretty much literally, in what we’re calling “The Incident,” which I’ve written about previously. It’s a scary sight, now, in the Capitol Building. Ever seen the opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan?” Well, multiply that by about a bajillion. Paul Ryan’s currently wandering the House chambers with a month’s worth of unkempt facial hair asking, in this weird, grimy, Marlboro Red voice, “Have you seen my balls? Have you seen my balls?” And Mitch McConnell is still lying unconscious on the Senate floor, the result of a probably serious head contusion.)

Anyway. What I want to address is all these town hall meetings we Republicans have been reportedly cancelling. Well, actually cancelling, but let’s not harp on semantics. As many of you liberal loons have somehow discovered, Congress is on recess this week (and, yes, if you were wondering, Congressional recesses are exactly the same thing as the elementary school recesses you so fondly remember: We all eat a quasi-nutritious lunch (i.e., vote on laws that deregulate wall street and loosen carbon emissions standards) and then we’re let loose out onto the playground (i.e., the unsuspecting American public) where we romp and frolic like madmen until we’re passed out on the blacktop with our chests heaving. Hmm. The metaphor maybe doesn’t work when taken to its logical extreme. Regardless: To fill up the incredible amount of free time we have, we all set up town hall meetings so we can have a “sensible conversation” with our “diverse constituents.” You may have noticed I used a couple strategically placed quotation marks. I did that because these town hall meetings aren’t supposed to be about sensibility and/or diversity. What a town hall’s  supposed to be is a platform for Republicans to rant and rave to each other about how much we hate Obamacare despite all the good it’s doing, and about how President (allegedly) Barack Obama ruined this country, and about how now it’s left up to us, the descendants of Ronald Reagan, to fix it (once we all locate and reattach our testicles, I mean).

But we can’t have nice things anymore, can we? Not even our open-to-the-public town halls are safe. Radical liberal activists have packed each and every one of our town hall sites to the gills! That’s what the saying is, right? “To the gills?” It doesn’t sound right, for some reason. How about I’ll just say, “To the special-interest-lined pockets.” Hmm. Even that doesn’t work. These sleazy liberal-scum types don’t all take dark money the way we do. I don’t know. Speaking in metaphor is really difficult. That’s why we’re proposing eliminating government funding for the arts. My point being: They’re just letting anybody and everybody into our town hall meetings, it looks like. Millions of liberals are streaming in without proper vetting! What we need is extreme vetting for these town halls. Extreme. Extreme vetting. For our town halls. Extreme.

Because, I mean, get this: The left-wing wackos are actually asking us difficult questions and trying to hold us accountable! What the what?? In whose country?? One bleeding-heart nut job asked Representative Diane Black why Republicans want to eviscerate Obamacare so badly, even though there’s clear evidence that a whole lot severely ill people (i.e., cancer patients) depend on the health care law to, like, stay alive. I mean, Earth to liberals, am I right? Representative Black specifically said she was only going to answer questions that’d been submitted in advance. You can’t just spring these perfectly reasonable and legitimate questions (which, sure, maybe we should, theoretically, already have answers for) on us like that!

And poor Jason Chavetz. He’s a Representative from Utah? The funny looking bloated one? I guess it’s also important to mention he’s the head of the House Oversight Committee. He doesn’t really like people to know that about him, now, though. He had to cut his town hall short by like an hour because hundreds of lefties kept shouting at him about how he’s not putting together an investigation into Supreme Chancellor Donald Trump and his incredibly worrying (and real) conflicts of interest. An hour short! That’s an hour he could have spent railing against Obamacare without actually saying something substantial about it! And now it’s an hour lost in the sands of time. Alas.

And I know you all know about Representative Mike Coffman, from Colorado. His office was stormed by raving lunatics calmly asking him about why Republicans are trying to violently vivisect Obamacare. (It’s always about Obamacare, isn’t it? Get over it already!) The only reason the guy even made is out alive is that he managed to scurry all shady-like out a back door to keep from meeting with them.

Now, some people are calling us cowards for blatantly avoiding the constituents we’re constitutionally obligated to represent and thus listen to. I disagree. We’re actually heroes! Let me explain. According to the New York Times, Mr. Coffman wrote a letter to his constituents, saying, “I am not going to hold town hall meetings in this atmosphere, because they would very quickly turn into shouting opportunities for extremists, kooks and radicals.” So, you see? By cancelling all our town hall meetings, we’re taking away all these crazy left-wing extremists’ right to voice their opinions publicly and rationally. I think we can all agree that town halls are no place for diverse, rational discussion of that sort. This is a country of free speech! Not left-wing psychobabble! Take, for instance, Donald Trump’s press conference last week. It was the epitome of calm, collected, sensible discussion. If only we could all talk like that! Now take pretty much every speech Obama ever gave: What a raving lunatic!

It takes a real hero to stand up to these peoples’ oppressive notions of what’s right and just. And Republicans are just the sort people to scamper into the shadows and do it.


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