DRAMATIZATION OF SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL RECURSIVELY SILENCING SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL REGARDING HIS SILENCING OF ELIZABETH WARREN

8 February 2017

 

Enter Senator Elizabeth Warren, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, and Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. Warren stands at a podium in the Senate chambers. She’s just finished reading a letter written by Coretta Scott King, which letter criticizes Senator Jeff Sessions’ record on civil rights. McConnell stands at a second podium, which is attached to his seat or something. He’s just objected to some of the lines Warren had read from the letter, and it looks like Warren will be asked to sit down and not speak again. But just before Warren takes her seat, McConnell stands up somewhere in the back of the Senate. He’s brought his own podium. Both McConnells speak in this elevated, mock-heroic tone.

 

McConnell: I move that the Senate recognize that I object to my Republican colleague’s objection to my Democratic colleague.

Warren: Oh, dear me.

McConnell: Sit down, my fellow Republican colleague, I’ll handle this.

McConnell: Nay, my fellow Republican colleague. I cannot stand idly by while you disparage the good name of a fellow Senator by claiming that she’s disparaging the good name of a fellow Senator.

Warren: Can I just continue with my speech? I’ve already finished reading all the stuff you’re so upset about. And I think we can all agree it’s relevant to the topic at hand, even if it’s hard for you to hear.

McConnell: Please sit down, my Democratic colleague, I’ll take it from here.

Warren: I’m confused. Which one are you?

McConnell: The one in the back. The one standing up for your right to speak. I need you to sit down and be silent, so I can accuse my fellow Republican Senator of denying a noble lady her right to speak. See, I brought my own podium and everything.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow Republican colleague! I stand here at a real podium to object to my Democratic colleague for violating Senate Rule 19, which is incredibly obscure, but which also very clearly states that one Senator cannot impute to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator. I move that the senate recognize that she is doing exactly this by reading a letter that a very heroic and well-respected civil rights leader sent to the Senate more than 30 years ago.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow Republican colleague! I move that the Senate recognize that Mr. McConnell, by claiming that Ms. Warren is imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator, that he himself is also imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator. And I further move that the Senate recognize that by silencing a fellow Senator he is by that very action conducting himself in such a way that is itself unworthy or unbecoming a Senator.

Warren leans her elbow on her podium and rests her chin on her palm.

Warren: Oh, dear.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow Republican colleague! While I sympathize with my fellow Republican colleague regarding the indecorous nature of imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator, I move that the Senate recognize that I am not myself imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator.

Warren: Look, really, can I please just finish this speech? It was vitally important that Ms. King’s voice be heard, and I think it has been, so none of this is really necessary.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow Democratic colleague! Your right to speak shall not go undefended! I shall pound my fist on this podium until I have won the fight to give you voice!

Warren: You’re missing the point, I think. It’s not necessarily my voice that needs to be heard, it’s Ms. King’s that —

Enter Senate majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who stands somewhere off to the side of the Senate floor. He’s brought two podiums (podia?), and it looks like some aids are dragging a third down to where he’s standing.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow Democratic and Republican colleagues! With these two podiums, it is I, Mitch McConnell, who must and shall be heard.

Loud dragging noises, as well as piggish little grunts, can be heard behind him.

McConnell: [Aside, whispering] Yes, just set it there. That’s fine. No, I’ll just hold it there with my free hand. Yeah, just see if you can find a fourth, if you can. Also a sword and a shield, please, if you can. [To Senate floor] Silence, I said! I move that the Senate recognize that my Republican colleague, by motioning that my other fellow Republican colleague is imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator, he is himself imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator, and is thusly conducting himself in such a way that is unworthy or unbecoming a Senator.

Warren: I can just finish this speech outside. Really. I’ll let myself out. I can just record myself reading the letter and the speech outside the Senate and post the video online. More people will probably hear it that way, anyway, and Ms. King’s voice really must be heard.

Enter Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who’d been crouched behind Warren the whole time, and who now rises creepily behind her. He doesn’t have a podium, but it looks like he’s going to fight for Warren’s right to speak by stealing the podium she’s currently using.

McConnell: Silence, my fellow —

Warren: O.K., I’m out of here.

Warren organizes her papers and steps away from the podium and leaves the Senate floor.

McConnell: Silence!

McConnell: No! Silence!

McConnell: Silence to you all!

McConnell: I now have four podia! You all must silence!

McConnell: You are all imputing to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator! I urge you to be silent!

McConnell: Silence! The lady shall be heard!

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