A SCENE DEPICTING HOW EVEN A CHILD PRESIDENT WOULD BE BETTER THAN WHAT WE’VE GOT NOW

15 February 2017

Scene: The Oval Office. The curtains are closed, for privacy reasons. Enter Child president (who’s like three-and-three-quarters years old) Chief of staff, National security advisor, and Press secretary. Child president sits at his desk. Actually, he can’t reach the desk from his chair, so he’s sitting on top of the desk, but no one ever points this out. He’s also pushing toy cars along the desk and using folders and classified documents as sweet ramps for the cars to jump off of. He wears a small suit. The aids all sit in a semi-circle around the desk.

 

Child president: Vroom vroom. Vrrooooom.

Chief of staff: Sir, if we could just focus a moment.

Child president: I’m listening. Brrrrrrooooommm.

Child president makes braking and crashing noises, and one of the larger cars falls off the desk.

Chief of staff: I’ll get that for you, sir.

Child president: No, no, that car blowed up. It’s gone now.

Chief of staff: I see. Well, we’ve got some important matters to attend to. It turns out the press is questioning the legitimacy of your presidency. They’re saying your age is very concerning.

Child president: I’m three and three quarters. Mom lets me pour my own cereal sometimes now.

Chief of staff: I know, I know. You’re such a big boy now. But the press doesn’t exactly see it that way.

Press secretary: I could scream at them if you’d like. During our press conference later today. Try to make them feel real bad about what they’ve been writing and inadvertently make them resent me and how I treat them. It’d all be a great distraction from your age. And from that slight lisp of yours.

Child president: [Shrugging] I’m doing all that I can do as who I am.

Press secretary: It’s very cute the way you said that, sir. And it’s a very good job you’re doing. I see that yesterday you signed an executive order instructing that we create more jobs by investing in renewable energy? Well we all just went right ahead and did that. It was incredibly simple. We expect the jobs numbers to burst through the roof, soon.

Child president: [Laughing hysterically] I drew a kitty face where my name was supposed to be!

Chief of staff: It was very adorable, sir.

Press secretary: So that’s what we’re going with, then? How your age may be a legitimate concern, but that right now you’re focused on getting people the jobs you promised them, and that at the end of the day that’s what you should be judged on? It’s a very smart direction sir.

Child president: Can I talk on the phone now?

Child president picks up the phone and presses random buttons. Various White House secretary types pick up on the other line, and after saying “Hello? Hello? Who is this?” several times they slam their phone sets down into their receivers.

Chief of staff: Not until later, sir. We’ve scheduled you to speak with the prime minister of Australia today at 5. Now, you’re sure you won’t be too tired to talk to him? You may have to skip nap time today.

Child president’s face brightens.

Chief of staff: Um.

Child president: I love kangaroos!

Child president curls his arms in and starts hopping on his desk.

Child president: Hoppity, hoppity, hoppity. Boing. Boing. Boing.

Chief of staff: You’re very high energy today, sir. I doubt fatigue will be a problem.

National security advisor: Now, on to international matters, sir. There’s some concern in the media that I spent a lot of time before your inauguration talking to a Russian diplomat about maybe lifting some pretty severe sanctions. At the heart of the issue is whether I lied to you and some other administration personnel about that conversation. Your thoughts?

Child president stares blankly at National security advisor.

Chief of staff: It’s really quite complicated, sir. We have a long, difficult relationship with the Russians. The Kremlin, in fact, acts as though we’re still waist deep in the Cold War. So you can see how maybe speaking with them, especially as an ordinary citizen, can be misconstrued as sort of unethical.

Child president: I like Batman.

National security advisor: That’s why we got you all the Batman underpants for your third-and-a-half-birthday party, sir.

Child president: I never saw Batman talk to Joker.

National security advisor: I get your point, sir. It’s borderline treason to secretly negotiate like that with the enemy. I’ll turn my resignation in by this evening. Thank you for everything, sir.

Exit national security advisor.

Chief of staff: Now, sir, about all these judges questioning the constitutionality of some of your more controversial executive orders. I’m speaking specifically of the one about how all the puppies in the world should be brought here to stay with you. And also the one about how Big Bird should be sitting on the National Security Council. Would you like to send out several incredibly angry and childish tweets about how the judicial system is illegitimate because it isn’t backing you up?

Child president: My mom says judges are smart. They can say the whole alphabet. I can only get to Q. Then I always mess up.

Child president starts singing the alphabet; when he gets to Q he stumbles and makes small frustrated faces.

Chief of staff: Very good point, sir. I never thought of it that way. The judges were appointed because of their intelligence and their unwavering objectivity, and we should respect that. You’re very good at this sir.

Child president: Uh huh. My mom gives me stickers for when I say things that are smart. Today I said, I said, today I said that oranges are called that because they’re orange, and I got a Spider-man sticker.

Child president holds up a car with a large sticker on it. The sticker depicts Spider-man shooting streams of webbing from his wrists while in mid back flip.

Press secretary: There’s also the matter of all these protests. People are very angry about how you lost the popular vote by so much, and they’re voicing their dissatisfaction. Should I make things up about rampant voter fraud to try and sure up your legitimacy?

Child president: My dad. My dad. My dad.

Chief of staff: You can do it, sir. Your dad what?

Child president: My dad can lift me up so high I can touch the ceiling.

Press secretary: Another great point, sir. We need to stay strong without being forceful. To lash out at the protesters and to fabricate stories about voter fraud would be about as delicate as throwing a small child against the ceiling. We need to be a kind of gentle giant, right now. Eventually the protestors will recognize we truly do have their best interests at heart.

Child president: Uh oh.

Chief of staff: Do you smell that?

Press secretary: [Sniffing] Oh God, he just shit himself.

Child president looks incredibly embarrassed. Press secretary pulls a box of baby wipes from a diaper bag. Chief of staff starts gathering top-secret documents from the desk, in preparation for a messy cleanup.

Chief of staff: Well, it’s still better than the last guy we had.

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