A LIST OF THE VARIOUS THOUGHTFUL AND ABSTRACT QUESTIONS DONALD TRUMP WAKES UP AT 3 A.M. TO CALL NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR MIKE FLYNN ABOUT

9 February 2017

 

“According to the Huffington Post, Donald Trump recently placed a late-night phone call to Mike Flynn, his national security adviser, to ask if a strong dollar or a weak dollar is better for the U.S. economy. In the early rounds of commentary on television and Twitter, several people have mocked the president for staying up late, pondering questions that might appear on an Econ 101 exam.”

— The Atlantic

 

“Is there really a big farm in the sky my dog Fifi went to, when I was a young impressionable child?”

 

“Are shooting stars really stars blistering beautifully across the sky? Because I’m hearing they might actually be alien U.F.O.s spying on us.”

 

“Why did Rose have to let Jack die in the water like that?”

 

“What the shit is that red stuff on Steve’s face?”

 

“I know I asked you the other night about whether a strong dollar is good for the American economy. But you used some really big words I’d like you to just go over with me. First word: deficit.”

 

“Is ‘La La Land’ really all that good? I keep hearing it is, but I just can’t believe it.”

 

“Elizabeth Warren haunts me when I sleep. I have nightmares about her. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and I have to wander the White House halls in a bathrobe to calm myself down. Do you think I’m maybe falling in love?”

 

“Which branch of government are we again? Is it the one that makes the laws or the one that rules on decisions? I’d like it to be both, but I’m hearing now those are separate things.”

 

“Do snow and rain come from the same place? What about fog? What even is fog?”

 

“Can you explain Kant’s notion of the Categorical Imperative? Does it claim that all immoral actions are also irrational? Or is it more about irrational thinking leading to immoral action? I think I can follow it up to — oh, shit. He’s back from just walking the halls aimlessly in a bathrobe. I’ll call you back from the Vice Chancellor’s residence.”

 

“Muslims are a race of people, aren’t they? And you’re sure they don’t get offended when you just lump them all together with the real bad dudes?”

 

“Why do poems look the way they do? I mean, why not just make each line a full sentence? Why break them up according to very specific rhythms and images? For creative effect? Give me a break.”

 

“Can you explain the ending to ‘Interstellar’ to me? I get that Matthew McConaughey built a secret room behind his daughter’s bookshelf or whatever. And was hiding in it to spy on his daughter. Hell, I’ve done that. But why’d he have to go into space just to get there? Didn’t he make a secret door?”

 

“Does spouting so many lies and taking advantage of regular people’s true inner pain seem less unethical if you just keep saying it out loud over and over again?”

 

“What is it about ‘One Tree Hill’ that I just can’t get enough of?”

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