29 January 2017
Donald Trump: Vladie! Baby! How the hell are you?
Vladimir Putin: Please. Do not call me “baby.” It sounds, how you say, “homosexual.”
DT: You got it, Snookum.
VP: Ugh. Your American press is right, I think. About your intelligence, and your attention span.
DT: Look, Vladie, Honey Pot, speaking of our American press, I’ve got a question, is why I called. These reporters here, they keep saying I didn’t have such a large crowd at my inauguration. Now, I am one-hundred percent convinced about a million, a million and a half people showed up to watch yours truly become supreme chancellor. I mean you were there, right? Standing ominously in that one window you say I can’t ever mention. What’d you see, Nipple Lips?
VP: Don, Don, Don. Your attention is how you say “all over the recently annexed Ukrainian map.” You need to focus. Imagine I am snapping my fingers in your face, to get your attention.
DT: I’m having Mike do that now. Stop it Mike, that’s annoying.
VP: There are bigger, how you say, “aquatic life forms” to, how you say, “cook in a pan of searing hot vegetable oil.”
DT: I know, I know, Tubby Bear. It’s just really bothering me. Is all. How am I supposed to be an all-powerful supreme chancellor, like you said I’d be, if the press keeps saying no one showed up to my inauguration?
VP: It’s going to be O.K. Buddy. Pal. How you say, “person that is opposite of enemy.” Always there are bumps on way to authoritarian rule. The female scarecrow that does too much talking, she performs well in front of camera with her, how you say, “facts that are not actually facts.”
DT: Yeah, her name is Kellyanne. The press has been all over me about her whole alternative-fact thing. It’s a witch hunt, Vladie. I’m telling you. There are protests. People are writing really mean articles. One Washington Post article said I’m basically acting like a child. It’s just not fair. All I want to do now is sit in front of the television and eat ice cream, with maybe some sprinkles on top. And a cherry. Also: chocolate syrup mixed with strawberry syrup.
VP: You worry too much. There were protests when I came back for illegal third term, but you don’t see me, how you say, “letting sad water drop from my eyeballs.” You have to keep your eye on the, how you say, “American baseball traveling at upwards of 90 miles per hour.” You have banned Muslims, as we asked?
DT: Yeah, Vladie. We banned them. And a few people support the ban. Of course we’re saying it’s not an outright ban, just a precaution, like you said. But the press, they saw right through that. I don’t get it. I say it’s not a ban, and they say, no, it is a ban, and it’s unconstitutional, and then get this, Button Nose, lots of people believed the press over me! And now they’re protesting even more!
VP: This will all pass. Like a kidney stone. The people, they are just in shock over sudden shift in policy. You are doing good job. Just keep on, how you say, “driving a large weight-bearing vehicle.”
DT: I know. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I mean, I have lots of support in other places. Everyone in the middle of the country is in absolute love with me. I could shoot a political dissident and I wouldn’t lose a single supporter.
VP: You should try that.
DT: Try what?
VP: No, no, never mind. It’s too soon for that. We try again in a year.
DT: I’m also getting all kinds of support in Congress, which surprises me. I made so much fun of those people. Especially Paul Ryan. Like, I said some terrible things about that guy. But I’ve got him eating out of my hand now. Literally. Yesterday I held some Cheetos out for him and he ate them right off my palm.
VP: I do not understand this “Cheetos” word you say.
DT: You know. Cheetos. Kind of like cheese sticks. Only the cheese isn’t real. It’s made in a laboratory. I eat about three bags a day, to remind me that fake news, alternative facts, whatever you want to call them, they can taste really good if you just convince yourself not to care about where they come from.
VP: That is good notion to keep in mind. Personally, I prefer to read book called “1984” over and over. It has good ideas. You should try.
DT: Hmm. That’d be tough for me. I don’t read much. I mean, I read the little news scrawls the shows I watch run at the bottom of the screen. But sometimes it moves too fast for me.
VP: Listen, Don. While we are on topic of news. One of my insurgents tells me interns for satire magazine have started making, how you say, “sentences that aren’t meant to be taken seriously” about you. These sentences make people laugh. Entire paragraphs of these sentences exist. This is big problem for us, as you can guess.
DT: I can’t guess, but now that you’ve told me—
VP: We need you to take care of interns. Permanently.
DT: Like, set them up in the Trump Tower penthouse?
VP: No, that’s not what euphemism was meaning. I mean to say, make sure they are, how you say, “planting daisies in fertile soil and then burying themselves under daisies.”
DT: Vlad, I don’t know if I’m ready—
VP: You’re right, you’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself. Hard to believe it’s only been one week, right?
DT: It feels like it’s been a year.
VP: You have state-run media yet?
DT: I’m working on it. Breitbart is the closest thing to it. They’re generally my fallback when the mainstream press asks me questions that are too hard.
VP: That is good. Once you have state-run media, you can run hit jobs on interns and magazine of jokes that interns work for.
DT: And then everything will turn out as you said? The people will love me?
VP: People will never love you. What you must do is make those who don’t love you feel isolated. Liberate the truly isolated — the hateful, the cynical, the misinformed — and use their passion to isolate those who would stand against you. Mainstream media, liberals, centrists, free thinkers, those who truly love freedom and liberty as opposed to quasi-authoritarians — your Paul Ryan and your Mitch McConnell — who use those words as rallying cries for policies that in reality undermine the very notions those words represent. State-run media is good for this.
DT: I don’t understand, Cookie Wookie.
VP: And you will never understand. Just keep being good boy. Let scarecrow talk. Let free thinkers bicker. Keep distracting press with silly outbursts. Let Russia, how you say, “stand above the small stage of puppets and operate the threads.”