24 January 2017
Enter Supreme Chancellor Donald Trump, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and a couple Democrats no one really talks about anymore. I’m blanking on their names. Oh! Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. They’re all drinking watered-down Fantas, because Mr. Trump doesn’t drink alcohol (which in and of itself should be worrying) and too many bubbles make his nose all tickly. They discuss a wide range of incredibly disheartening and diabolical topics, but what they’re really here to talk about is whether the wildly popular and successful and moving film “La La Land” is overrated. McConnell sort of looks around the room blankly. Ryan has to lean against a desk or else he might fall over; there are rumor’s that he’s recently had his spine surgically removed. Pelosi and Schumer sit on a couch in the corner, turning cold glasses of Fanta in their hands, not saying anything, looking awkwardly down at the floor the way a totally hypothetical nerdy high school kid who’s somehow wandered into the popular kids’ Friday-night kegger must, unsure of whether to keep quiet or actually speak up and defend the movie, which, we should say, just before we get into the actual dramatization, is a monumental achievement and had probably half of us in tears, and Ryan Gosling is just an absolute dreamboat.
Trump: I Actually haven’t even seen the movie. To be honest. I’ve heard some good things about it.
Ryan: Certainly not 14-Oscar-nominations good.
They look to McConnell to say something, but he’s still looking around blankly.
Trump: Maybe not. Maybe you’re right. Whatever you guys think, is what I think.
Ryan: You must have some kind of strong opinion about something you know nothing about. It’s pretty much essential, if we’re going to shut down Planned Parenthood.
Trump: It’s apparently an incredible movie about chasing your dreams in spite of whatever obstacles you may face. I suppose I can relate to that. I mean, I didn’t chase my dreams so much as let my filthy rich daddy pay for them. And I didn’t carefully negotiate obstacles so much as ignore them and power through them, thus compelling everyone left in the wake of my literal destruction to wonder what the shit just happened.
McConnell and Ryan nod.
Trump: Although, then again, if it’s so good, how come I haven’t seen it? Maybe all that hippy stuff about hopes and dreams is a load of shit.
McConnell and Ryan nod.
Trump: Yeah. You guys are right. This is a time of American Carnage, not hopes and dreams. That all ended with the previous administration. I’ve decided, guys, just right now, that I no longer embody the very idealistic notion of chasing your dreams despite whatever obstacles you face. I now, as of this very moment, represent the idea that this country is going to hell in a hand basket, and that I’m the one carrying the hand basket. Although I’m not doing it in that weird androgynous way. It’s a cool man’s hand basket.
Ryan: I’m right there with you. This is no time for positive thinking. That’s what Ronald Reagan would say. I just know he would say that.
Pelosi makes a sort of crying/wailing sound. Schumer makes nervous choking noises.
Ryan: In fact, this is the time for me to finally push my anti-poor people agenda through Congress, finally.
McConnell: It’s about time.
Ryan: I mean, can we agree that Gosling is not, by any measure, an absolute dreamboat?
McConnell: Oh, surely he isn’t. You know who is a dreamboat? An absolute dreamboat? In my opinion? Kevin James.
Pelosi drops her Fanta.
Trump: He’s hilarious in everything he does. Did you see the one where he made that fart joke?
Ryan: Is that the same one where he made the pee joke?
Trump: That’s the one! I’ve heard he absolutely abhors his fans, which I think should be a lesson to us all.
McConnell nods furiously. They continue like this for nearly an hour. It’s really not worth getting into. They debate the metaphysical implications of “Grownups 2” and the low-comedy genius exhibited in both “Mall Cop” and “Mall Cop 2.” And others. Mr. James was in other movies. Apparently. The point being they only talked about “La La Land” for maybe like 12 total minutes, meaning that whenever these three guys get together to talk about something they actually agree on, they can’t even stay on topic. It’s just fucking ridiculous.