5 February 2017
Scene: The football field at NRG Stadium in Houston, Tex. Enter Supreme Chancellor Donald Trump and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. They’re standing about 10 yards apart, because Trump doesn’t have much of an arm. Brady has incredible form and throws tight spirals; Trump is trying to imitate Brady’s form and failing miserably. He more just pushes the ball to Brady. His throws don’t wobble so much as tumble through the air.
Trump: My throws are getting pretty good, Tom. Don’t you think?
Brady: They look great, Mr. Supreme Chancellor, and I’m not saying that just to be nice, or because you gave me a million dollars just a couple minutes ago, so that we could have this little throw around just minutes before the biggest sporting event of the year.
Trump: I mean my throws are looking a whole lot like yours, don’t you think, Tom? Don’t you think we look very similar, throwing-wise?
Brady: Yessir. I’ve seen much worse, I’ll say that.
Trump: I’m sure you’re probably wondering, Tom, you’re wondering how on earth I’m able to pick this up so quickly. One minute I can barely hold the ball in two normal-sized hands, and the next I’m throwing the hog skin around like one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game. I’m like Ryan Leaf out here.
Brady: That’s truer than I think you realize, sir.
Trump: I’m just really good at picking things up on the fly. I had never done politics before, and then I beat all these lifetime politicians at their own game. And now look at me: Supreme Chancellor of the Divided States of Trump.
Brady: Wait. What was that last part?
Trump: Oh, nothing. Forget about it. Just something me and Bannon have been working on. Forget I said anything. Say, these balls feel a little flat, don’t they?
Brady: They seem fine to me.
Trump: I feel like I’d be getting a superfine spiral if they had more air in them. I’ll have a lackey of mine fill them up.
Brady: No, no, no. That’s not necessary.
Trump: But, Tom, I need you to win this game. You’re the only major celebrity to have supported my campaign. I need this. If you win, and you maybe say something about how great my Muslim ban is during the post-game stuff, you’d legitimize this entire administration. Hey! Spicer! Get over here. Fill all these balls up with more air. Make them super full. Like so full of air they’re about to pop. We need Tom here to have every advantage he can get.
Enter press secretary Sean Spicer. He’s putting sticks of gum in his mouth and swallowing them without chewing. He looks just worn out.
Spicer: Yessir. Anything else sir?
Spicer picks up an armful of footballs. He drops one or two and has to bend over to pick them back up, causing him to drop another football. He’ll do this for nearly fifteen minutes.
Trump: Yes. I need you to hold an emergency press conference. I need you to tell the media how good my throws are. Tell them the Jets have just right this minute called me asking for a tryout. I’ll go just to humor them, but I’ll probably reject their offer of 30 million a year. Probably because I’d already made a promise to the American people that I’d make the entire country great again, not just the Jets.
Brady: You don’t have to do anything with those balls, please, sir. Just please if you would just leave them there on the ground. Really. I’ve already been through so much, in terms of ball-related air pressure.
Trump: Nonsense, Tom. You have too much to worry about as it is. Like winning this game and making me an honorary Patriot. Hmmm. Better make it an actual Patriot. I hear the Jets are interested, and you don’t want me going to the Jets.
Brady: I guess not. But, really, just leave the balls there, please.
Spicer is still chasing and dropping and kicking deflated footballs around on the 50-yard line.
Trump: Tom, you just let me worry about the state of your balls. That’s why I’m here. To touch your balls and maybe squeeze them a little and see if there’s enough stuff in them. This is all a metaphor, I hope you know.
Brady: I hope you know that, too.
Trump: I’m not sure that I do.
Brady: You know, if you just use your hips a little more, you’ll get a bit more power in your throw. It’s all in the legs and hips.
Trump: I know what I’m doing, Tom.
Trump starts trying to use his legs and hips more.
Brady: So, while I’ve got you here, sir. I know this may be a touchy subject. But I’d like to talk about this Muslim ban of yours.
Trump: Pretty good, huh? At first we were worried about calling it a Muslim ban, so we said that it’s totally not a Muslim ban. But the press, they loved it so much they just started calling it a Muslim ban on their own! I couldn’t have planned it better myself!
Brady: Yes. Well. I mean. It might be a good idea in theory. But I wonder just a little if it isn’t just a tad insensitive.
Trump: I really wish you’d stop deflating my testicles, Tom.
Brady: I’m not deflating them, sir. It’s just I’ve been getting a lot of questions about it these last couple weeks. Because everyone knows I’m just a huge supporter of you, and you can tell because there’s that one picture of me and there’s a red “Make America Great Again” hat in the background.
Trump: I’m glad you did that for me, by the way. I trust the check I wrote you was big enough?
Brady: It was a very large check. The dollar amount was small. But the check itself was very large.
Trump: That’s how the Trumps operate, Tom.
Brady: Yessir. But, back to what we were saying…
Trump: I think I know what you’re getting at. You’re upset about the Muslim ban because you don’t understand the highly complex policy behind it. All the things only highly important political figures like myself can understand and explain. And because of that you don’t feel comfortable answering questions, because you want to represent me and my administration in a way that’s totally and completely positive.
Brady: That’s not exactly what I meant.
Trump: Tom, listen. All you need to worry about is throwing about a bajillion touchdowns tonight, so you can win and talk about me when you’re up there on stage and they’re pushing that microphone into your mouth.
Brady: Actually, football is more about giving each other concussions. It’s not really about the points.
Trump: I’ve had lots of concussions in my day. I’m sure that probably surprises you, Tom, because of how my brain works so good.
Brady: That’s very surprising, sir.
Trump: Stairs are hard to negotiate, Tom. In fact, stairs are the only thing I’ve failed to negotiate. Otherwise, I’m very good at negotiating. It’s in my book.
Brady: You’re generally a very good negotiator, sir.
Spicer has since fallen over, from exhaustion. He’s choking on gum and making strange gurgling noises, but no one seems to notice.
Trump: Stop doing the opposite of deflating my ego, Tom. I know I’m putting you in a delicate position. What with you needing to stay out of politics for fear of angering all those Massachusetts liberals who basically pay you your ludicrous salary. I just need you to do this one thing for me. I mean, no right-minded judge would oppose me and my totally legal Muslim ban if someone who’s an actual Patriot supports me. See what I’m saying?
Brady: I think so, sir.
Trump: If you support me, I can say the most important Patriot of all time supports me and my administration and every morally ambiguous policy that comes out of it. And I can then say that everyone who opposes me is not a Patriot. And that they hate their country and want to see it fail catastrophically, the way it failed catastrophically under Obama.
Brady: You know, the economy is doing a lot better, now that you mention it, because of liberal policies.
Trump: You and I both know I haven’t seen any proof of that. Nor do I want to. It’s much easier, Tom, to invent the world you prefer to live in, and just live in that. You should try it, Tom, you really should. I think it’d be good for you.
Brady: Uh huh. Do you hear a weird gurgling sound?