A CONVERSATION WITH KELLYANNE CONWAY REGARDING THE HORRIBLE MASSACRE IN BOWLING GREEN

7 February 2017

 

Q.

Yes, well, thank you. I’m surprised you’ve even invited me here. To talk.

Q.

I wouldn’t call them lies. But yes, I haven’t been doing many interviews recently. And that’s probably because there are so many false reports about my so-called credibility, whatever that even is. You’ll notice I did the finger-quotes thing when I said credibility. That’s something we do a lot now, in the Trump administration. Air quotes are a very powerful tool of whatever branch of the government we’re in. And it’s a tool that just isn’t an option for the other three branches of government.

Q.

No, I’m fairly sure there are four total branches of government. The one that Steve’s in charge of. The one with all the people who just recently lost their testicles. There’s the one that’s right now putting our country in total jeopardy, the one with the robes. And then the fourth is the other one. The fourth one.

Q.

Just, don’t press me on this. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been self-aware for nearly 24 years now. I think that’s been more than enough time for me to learn how to accurately and efficiently turn all the pictures in my head into words in my mouth.

Q.

Confusing? Oh, you must not know. I used to be a scarecrow. Out in eastern Nebraska. Just your average, regular, everyday, hay-stuffed scarecrow. I did that for maybe 43 years. All without a consciousness. No self-awareness or anything. Just some very minor sensory impressions, most of which I can’t remember.

Q.

Thank you. It has taken a while to get to this point. It’s still hard sometimes, I’ll admit. There’s still a lot of — let’s call it residue — of my previous, unconscious life swimming around up there in my brain. So I sometimes have a hard time connecting emotionally with people. And don’t even get me started on connecting with —what do you call it — the truth? But I don’t think people really notice that.

Q.

Yes, the Bowling Green Massacre. It totally happened and it was an absolute tragedy.

Q.

No, I’m not saying that me ever even talking about it in the first place was a tragedy. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is the actual massacre — the brutal killing of several white Americans — was undeniably tragic. Talking about it isn’t a tragedy, because it’s politically useful.

Q.

I just don’t think we’re on the same page here. I don’t know what world you live in, where this massacre didn’t happen, but in the world I live in, maybe a hundred innocent white Americans were killed. In just the most brutal way imaginable. An entire army of I.S.I.S. fighters just stormed Bowling Green and turned it to Swiss cheese.

Q.

No one covered it. Not one outlet. Even the local university — which is liberal and elitist and should be ashamed of itself — even they didn’t cancel their football season, or dedicate a game to them, or even wear like one of those black patches with the acronym “BG” stitched into them, which would have been the perfect way to show the country that all those football players were sad about it.

Q.

Look, the only reason Breitbart didn’t cover it was because at the time they had their hands full exposing the Obama administration.

Q.

No, I haven’t backed myself into a corner. I’ve back myself into a beautiful golden meadow where everything is wide open and scenic and incredibly beautiful. And then in the nearby cities it’s all hellfire and chaos. Sometimes I sit down on a flat rock in this field and watch the dull orange glow those burning cities cast on the night sky.

Q.

Yeah, this wasn’t just a one-time thing. There’s a major terrorist attack maybe once a week, and the corrupt, failing media would rather talk about protests and inauguration crowds.

Q.

I’m not concerned that he’s the one actually bringing them up. What I know is that blaming the media for it riles our base up, and we need an angry base to keep this train running.

Q.

No, the train hasn’t run off its tracks and crashed into a massive judicial wall and now it lies there crumbled and broken on its side. That’s a ridiculous, partisan question and what I’d rather talk about is all these other terrorist attacks.

Q.

Well, for one, there were all the ones you know about. Paris. Nice. San Bernadino. Orlando.

Q.

I think we both know you didn’t hear about them through the mainstream media. I don’t care if you do specifically have nearly a month’s worth of newspapers with extensive front-page coverage. It’s just not true. If they did report on them, it’s only because they heard about them through us.

Q.

I suppose it does imply we have inside information about terrorist attacks, which, yes, is frightfully suspicious, but that’s not relevant to what I’m trying to say, which is that you’re wrong.

Q.

Well, there were all sorts of successful terrorist attacks in what you liberals call fly-over America. Just all sorts of brutal killings that I won’t go into detail about, because they’re too graphic.

Q.

Even mentioning the cities they’re in would make you fall to your knees and cry. They’re just so brutal. And the fact that you need me to even name the cities is proof you never covered them. Because you hate America.

Q.

That’s generally my strategy, is to give you too much stuff to respond to. That way you’re more just befuddled and left speechless.

Q.

There were also terrorist attacks in Ferguson, Baton Rouge, Baltimore, North Charleston, and several other cities. I could go on, but, again, listing them all would make you cry.

Q.

And there you go again. You’re bringing up a topic that’s completely partisan and not relevant to the conversation. It’s just like the mainstream media to do this. This is why we’re now calling you the opposition party. Because we want to talk about terrorism and chaos in this great country of ours, and you spin it into a story about police brutality. These were acts of terrorism, not systematic racism. Why is it you liberals just hate the police so much?

Q.

I will not sit down and make my skin color less red looking. And I will not stop sweating angrily. And I take offense to that steam-coming-out-of-my-ears thing you said. It’s scientifically impossible for former scarecrows to blow steam from their ears. Their skin, for one thing, is too porous to adequately contain the amount of water necessary to generate that much steam.

Q.

O.K., I’m calm. And I’ll even sit down and cross my legs and comb my fingers through my hair in a way that suggests I’m composing myself in a professional way.

Q.

Others? Well, the meteor that killed the dinosaurs is a big one. It’s a well-known fact in the various circles I run in that that meteor was paid for by I.S.I.S. via their vast oil reserves.

Q.

And Iran funded the first terror attack using a nuclear weapon. It killed millions, and to this day there’s not a peep about it in the media.

Q.

Hiroshima.

Q.

Screw you too, then.

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